Always Something

eegah-taki:

(source: IMDb)

I figured I’d start my blog with the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and that is the 2000 film “The Smokers”. A movie that has a 2.7/10 on IMDb and was pretty much savaged on the comment section, with people basically saying this film should go back to the deep dark pit of hell from whence it came. “Why would somebody say this about movie no one saw? Looks pretty harmless, right?” you may ask. Well the plots is about three girls in high school/college (it’s not really establish which one it is) that decide to form a rape squad for some very petty reasons. But to best describe the film will have to start from beginning

The film opens with the MGM lion and Atmosphere Entertainment Inc. (which makes me wonder if these companies saw the movie before they bought it), and the first shot of the movie is a random security guard looking around for a few seconds before slacking off and taking out a cigarette smoking with the voiceover of Jefferson Roth (Dominique Swain) talking about the private school they’re at and who her friends are, and here’s where we get our first look at the characters Jefferson, Karen and Lisa in the bathroom, with Karen (Busy Philipps) explain to Lisa (Keri Lynn Pratt) how to use a tampon as the “Frosty’s” (Lisa’s old friends) look on in disgust (the scene is okay but it does leave me with one question, how come the Frosty’s are disgusted by the mere mention of tampons and menstrual blood in the women’s bathroom, I mean they’re young women around the age of 18, so I’m just guessing they get periods too and shouldn’t be disgusted by someone else getting one) and ends with Jefferson’s voiceover proclaiming “they called us the smokers” (why do I doubt that’s what they really called you?).

And then more credits including, ones they just showed us a few seconds ago, including the director Christina Peters bragging that she wrote the screenplay and that it’s her story. Ms. peters (or Kat Slater, her porn director name) not only post her real name on this, but also credits her name with this story dozens of times in the credits.

Then the movie cuts to Lisa and David (Oliver Hudson, the supposed beloved boyfriend of this film) having fully clothed sex (and spoilers: these characters do nothing but fuck and fight), which cuts to Karen and Jefferson putzing around on the stairs, which seems that they’re only there to get caught. And what do they do to get themselves out of it? Jefferson fakes a fire (ok, she just holds a lighter beneath the fire detector, but still the firemen still comes and everything, really that’s your way of getting out of this, pulling the fire alarm?!).

Cuts to the scene were they’re in the principle’s office, were the principle tells them “you’re skating on thin ice” and give them detention (which considering in most schools, pulling the fire alarm would get you expelled, is a pretty light punishment).

            (And I’m not entirely sure where bring this up, so I just posted here. The outfits in this film suck, at this point in the movie, Jefferson is cosplaying as Wicked Witch of the West, who passed out at a party and some douche bag drew all over her face and sadly no one drops the house on her. Karen is wearing a tiger print flashers coat with either make up or face paints on her face in some weird pattern)

Next the movie explain 2 other characters of this film Dan (Ryan Sasson) the film’s bro-douche, (although he’s nowhere near as bad as Jefferson) and Jeremy (Nick Loeb) the “Nice boy next-door type” (although considering everything he does, he’s the biggest asshole in the movie, out side of the smokers) and Dan’s “gopher” (“gopher”? what does he dig holes and cause havoc on golf courses?) as they walk past each other outside the school (at least, l think they’re outside the school, the film does a horrible job of telling us where characters are) where Karen flirts and gets rejected by Dan. The movie then cut (with some of the most awkward editing I’ve seen in any movie, I might add) to the girls arriving at Jefferson’s mansion (which to put in perspective you could’ve just cut the first 20 minutes of the movie, down five minutes and lost nothing), but here we meet the only likable character in this movie, Jefferson’s sister (Thora Birch) Lincoln (ha, get because there mother’s a politician, she named her daughters after presidents. HA! HA!, ISN’T THAT FUNNY?! HA! HA! HA!, WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING?!), But in all seriousness her character is awesome, she does nothing but goof around and get high, why couldn’t the movie be about her? Which just leads to pointless scene of the girls get high (I would complain, but ever moment Thora Birch is in this, is the only thing the film has going for it), and we’re treated to some exposition were we’re told David went with Dan into “the city” (what? Could you be more pacific about that? Ok, We learn later it’s Chicago, but that’s not the only city by or in Wisconsin, they could’ve been in St. Paul, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Madison, Detroit, Flint and a large list of other cities in the Midwest). Which then it cuts to the bar, with Lisa and David making out, Jeremy being awkward drewb, Jefferson being a wet blanket, and Karen (but no Dan surprisingly, I thought him and David were hanging out?). And in under a minute Karen meets a guy, does him in his limo (and I’m not kidding about the time, I timed it, it’s only 50 seconds), but not before introducing himself to Jeremy (and the 40 seconds of the 50 seconds just him awkwardly flirting with Jeremy, for no real reason), Jeremy tries and fails to flirt with Jefferson, Lisa and David begin to fight (because of course they do, it’s what they do for most of the film), David leaves for the bar to order some drinks and starts talking to this woman named “Bambi”, they leave David behind. Bambi offers David some sex, and not only does David he turn her down, he tells her he has a girlfriend (let me remind you, this is supposed be a guy who’s suppose to be unsympathetic and a bad boyfriend, I know women who would kill to meet a guy like this), the cuts to the limo driver standing outside eating a sucker (random?), then cuts to Karen and the limo guy having fully clothed sex (what’s it worth this film and fully clothed sex?).

He takes her back to Jefferson’s, where she demands his number, he tells her he’s married, she takes his hand and writes her number on it, while having a hissy fit (what did you expect? you knew him for about a minute), she has an even bigger you hissy fit inside, with the whole “all men are evil” thing (get used to that, this Director has a weird habits about demonizing men and anyone who sexually liberated), Lincoln suggest a game of Russian roulette (wait, what?), she pulls out a hand gun, with Jefferson saying “you told mom you stopped playing fast with that” (you knew your sister was suicidal? And you still let her have access to guns? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!). Karen understandably, does not want to play so Lincoln says “okay, so let’s play it like this”. She points the gun at Karen and pulls the trigger and it doesn’t go off, now she hands the gun to Karen to shoot her, says “now you get the point it at me”, Karen’s not able to do it, and moments later it’s revealed that the gun is nearly fully loaded, except for one shot (and no one has a reaction, okay granted Jefferson take the gun away from her, but still, your sister tried making a huge gambit to kill herself in front of you and your friends, and it’s not even brought up again in this movie. I can’t even list all the problems with that).

To the next scene, the three girls on the balcony, with Karen talking about all the guys she wants to fuck (one of which being Dan, what is with this film and try to convince us Dan is a sex maniac? I mean yeah he’s not ugly, but he’s not exactly Brad Pitt either), next they start discussing the fairytale Cinderella (it’s not actually a bad scene, just leads to some potholes when it comes to Jefferson). Which leads to a discussion about Mr. perfect not being Mr. perfect, and they mentioned suicide gambit scene for the last time (seriously, please tell me I’m not the only one who realizes how fucked up this is?).

Now they’re back at the school (what is with this film? pick a location and stay there! I’m tired of having to explain everything that’s not happening, when you keep moving sets), Which shows them smoking pot in their private school/college dorm room (I’m no expert about private schools or colleges, but I’m pretty sure they don’t let you write on the walls in your own room and let you smoke weed in the dorms), Lisa says Dan told her that David slept with Bambi (2 things: 1. Why do you trust the word of sleazebag like Dan? & 2. Why do you believe the guy who wasn’t even there and you know he wasn’t there? And you know he wasn’t there because you were there), with Karen saying she has an idea. Then it cuts to them in Karen’s room (or at least I think it’s Karen’s room with the lack of shit written on the walls), where it’s revealed that Karen stole Jefferson’s gun, has plans to rape men and suggests they rape David (yeah we’re almost to the reason why this film is so infamous or at least it would be a people saw it). Jefferson is skeptical and agrees anyway (that’s not something you just a fucking agree to, when a friend tells you they stole your stuff and plans to go on a raping spree, that’s something you end the friendship over and go to the police about. And not just go along with it, especially if they admit to being psycho). Karen says they have to do this for Lisa, Scratch that, not just for Lisa but “all women” (again, another sign that this is a stupid idea and that YOUR FRIEND IS INSANE!).

So they set their plan in motion, Wright a note claiming to be Bambi and tell David to meet them at the farm on the Westside of campus. The girls then pick out their disguises and actually wear them around town (not that it makes that much of a difference anyways, because the disguises are just paper-thin and you could easily identify them, they’re the same costumes that are on the poster)(don’t even get me started on the fact that masks don’t even hide their identity, the only one that  can hide an identity is Karen’s and hers is a welding mask, A WELDING MASK!!! A piece of equipment you can’t even see out, then you have Lisa’s, who’s is just a bunny mask, but the worst being Jefferson’s, it’s just a cheap knockoff of Mickey Mouse hat with a nose, whiskers and teeth. It says something when you’re disguises is worse then Gary’s from “Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”). They just putz around their dorm room some more (seriously, the filler in this is just insane, it’s just a bunch of random quick shots, edited together to make the movie longer) for about a minute or so until the infamous scene (the same scene, if you go by IMDb, where 95% of the people who watched this film, stopped after it and I don’t blame them). So the rape scene starts (and the farm? It’s just a cage with a keep the corn, THEY KEEP THAT CORN ON THE GROUND IN A CAGE! WHO DOES THAT? ARE THEY AFRAID THE CURNS JUST GOING TO WALK AWAY?! WHAT’S THE POINT OF THE CAGE?! THE HOLES ARE BIG ENOUGH FOR ANY INSECT TO GET IN THERE, AND THERE’S NO BOTTOM SO ANY ANIMAL COULD JUST DIG UNDER IT, PLUS YOUR STORRING IT ON THE DIRT, I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S NOT SANITARY!!!), David meets them in the “barn”, and, in what is has to be one of the most unintentionally creepy and disturbing scenes I’ve ever seen in any film, they tie him up and rape him (they raped him on the corn. WHO LOOKS AT A BED OF CORN AND THINKS TO THEMSELF “hey I’d like to screw on top of that”?). They put a chicken hat (that doesn’t even cover his eyes, so he can still see their identity) and headphones on him (headphones that, I might add, aren’t even plugged into anything, so he can still practically hear every word their saying), at which point Jefferson backs out the last seconds (not that she doesn’t help or even stops the rape, she just step back and watches. WORST HERO EVER!!!), Karen puts paper bag over David’s head (after he’s already seen their faces), at which point the other two rape him.

David returns home, in a scene that’s almost as uncomfortable as last one, and has to tells the guys what happened to him, the guys being Dan, Jeremy and some other guy (which I swear to God, looks exactly like the limo driver). Dan, being the bro-douche that he is, laughs and congratulates David basically saying that he’s proud of him and not to feel, bad because it was out of his hands. David leaves and locks himself in his room, Jeremy follows and tries to “console” him (and by “console” I mean he knocks on David’s door, calls “David”, stands there for a second before shrugging and walking away. This was by the way, THE ONLY TIME, IN THIS ENTIRE FILM, ANYONE TRYS TO CONSOLE THE RAPE VICTIM! SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE?!! THIS IS THE LAST TIME HE EVEN TALKS TO DAVID FOR THE ENTIRE FILM!!!)

The next scene cuts to the rapists (and that’s what I’m mostly going to refer to them as from now on) discussing what just happened, With Karen asking, “Who’s next?” with Lisa being the only one who’s even a little bit remorseful about what just happened, but not about the rape though, just about the chicken hat (the one he couldn’t even see). Then Karen goes on a tangent about doing this for “all women” and even unironically equates them to Gondi (yes that fucking Gandhi, but that’s not even the best part, oh no, wait till you hear her reasoning), claiming he was good because “he had a movie about him” (there’re movies about serial killers and Hitler, I’m just saying that’s not really how you can tell if someone was a good person)

The next scene is them doing target practice on giant rolls of hey (not really much to say about this just we get more weird costumes, with Jefferson in a grass skirts, string bikini and barefoot, Karen in what looks like a jogging outfit but without a shirt, and Lisa in what is either underwear or swimsuits plus an oversized, open, button down shirts. Okay, who would wear this in public? Let alone while doing target practice), Shooting bottles that are at their feet, Lisa and Karen miss (which is not surprising since they shot straightforward for the bottles that were still at their feet), where as Jefferson actually hits the bottles (despite shooting and aiming the gun forwards and somehow hitting bottles that were at her feet!)(Also, about the scene, they never aim and fire a gun so it’s completely pointless)

Next it cuts to the rapists at a bar (this is one of the reasons why I can’t tell if it is supposed to be set in college or private school, they’re kind of treated like they’re in high school, but you can clearly see them drinking and smoking in bars and even at school), where is some country singer is singing (and this time it’s clearly a bar because there’s a fucking pool table and we can clearly see everyone drinking beer), Where it cuts to Jefferson, who is clearly drinking beer (and might I add, is Dressed one of those fluffy cowboy hats and the tiger print flashers coat), then it cuts to Dan playing pool with (I shit you not) a White T-shirts with “RAPE ME TOO …” Written on it (and I mean written on it, and IN ALL CAPS IN BLUE SHARPIE, not only does he think this will work, he is apparently too cheap to buy an actual short, and surprisingly it does, because at the end of this scene he goes home with some random girl) fighting with Karen (who I can only describe as wearing cougar-wear, complete with red stretchy yoga pants, a lose light green button down shirt with a scarf tied just right bellow her breasts and long black gloves. None of which is helped by her make up, which is just gray clown makeup with glitter) over his shirt, it cuts back to Jefferson who is hypnotized by the singer with Lisa (wearing a pink fluffy mini-jacket) right next to her flirting with David. Thankfully David is having none of this and acts mostly frosty towards her, this confuses Lisa (really, you don’t know what’s wrong? you should fucking know what’s wrong, because you’re the one who fucking caused it), David leaves while Karen joins the other rapists. Lisa suggests that maybe they should tell David the truth (honey I think he already knows the truth), of course Karen is against this with her usual “all men are men” and “for all women” arguments, which cause Jefferson to ask “What guy fucked you over so bad?” (Oh, so now you asked that? 48 hours later! Seriously, what took you two days to realize your friend is insane?). Dan is seen picking up a woman (how the fuck did that work? What is she dyslexic and thought the shirt said Ray-Pie?), the country singer goes the bar (I thought this guy didn’t even have a name because of how little he’s in this film, but apparently his name is Christopher) and then is promptly hit on by Jefferson, Jeremy asked her to join him for a game of pool only to be blown off. Which ends of the smokers talking about the definition of cool (I only mention it because how … , I don’t really know how to describe it, he tells Jefferson’s name is Christopher, she says “it’s cool”, and then the girls go into a random spasm about the word “cool”. And as bad as I make it sound, trust me it is worse in the movie, even I’m unattracted by this, and awkward, nerdy women are my type), Christopher giving an uncomfortable smile (the same type of smile you flash someone, when a really awkward annoying person is talking to you and hoping that if your nice to them they’ll go away. Although Christopher’s not attracted to her for an entirely different reason), Jeremy looks on sad while David gives him a consoling pat on the back (yes, within five seconds David has done more to console Jeremy about his unreturned attraction to Jefferson, then Jeremy ever did to console David about being raped) before leaving, and Karen follows (and we all know where this is going)

Karen runs past Jeremy while making owl noises, which leads to Jeremy following calling out “Jefferson?!” (does Jefferson usually run past you while making animal noises in the dead of night?), he fallows Karen into a Taxidermy store filled with stuffed animals, where she polls a Gun on him and tells him to “munch the muffin, big boy” (the scene just makes me raise several questions: 1. How did you get in there? Did you have a key? Was the door left open? Did you break in? & 2. Who looks at a room full of taxidermy animals and thinks, “this would be the perfect place to fuck someone”), Jeremy’s reaction is obvious (at least it would be, if Nick Loeb could act), first thinking it was a joke, then the horrific realization that it’s not a joke. After that he did something I did not expect, a strange brew of verbal judo and Catholic shame (mixed with horrible acting of course), shouts out “Karen, that is some fUcked Up shit” (with acting that’s so bad it makes the “OH MY GOD!!!lolol” guy from “Troll 2” seem like Sean Connery), and amazingly it worked. She decides not to rape, and it ends with rapist and almost victim walking down the street in a heart touching moment (PS. I’m being sarcastic). But before that we have some more dialogue, Karen: “you could never understand, (yes, we can never understand what’s it’s like to be a rapist, and how sorry we should feel for you) what it’s like to have this gaping hole between your legs (TMI, lady, TMI), waiting for to be filled by the likes of you (cry me a fucking river)” Jeremy: “we all have this space we want to fill (dude, TMI, I don’t want to know what you doing your free time)”

Next morning David has a hissy fit at Dan (seriously, why are you guys friends in the first place?), and since it ends there, it is completely pointless.

Next scene shows the girls at lacrosse practice, With Karen playing very viciously, she even elbows one of other players on her way before scoring the goal (dude it’s just practice). Then screams “Take that frosty bitches!” (Seriously, it’s fucking practice, and they’re on your team) before falling to the ground, spread-eagled (ok, when you said you had a huge vagina, I would’ve took your word for it, you don’t have to show us). The Frosty’s come over and chastise her for being an asshole and for not being in position, her response is to say, while still spread-eagled mind you, “I’m whatever position I want” (I’m not sure but I think she just flashed them her vagina). Then Lisa pipes up and says “but she won” (for the fucking God people, it’s practice), and that’s the end of that scene ( it’s just more filler).

Now all of a sudden, it’s parents day. What happens during its? Well nothing really (the movie is 30% misandry & 70% filler). We just meet the parents of the rapists, Karen’s are goofy, Lisa’s are strict, and Jefferson’s aren’t there. All I can say is the acting from Lisa’s dad could rival Nick Loeb’s as the worst in this movie (“I thought the fries came with the meal” indeed). Also Karen claims Jeremy (I don’t really have anything to say about that, mmhhhhmmhhh? It just makes me wonder about Karen’s sanity and leads to scene where, if you don’t already hate Jefferson, then you will in a few moments), which makes Jefferson jealous (and yes, Karen did say she raped Jeremy). And finally it is revealed that no one working on this movie knows that Chicago is not in Wisconsin!!! (What the Hell is wrong with everyone on this thing, this is not like trying to find Kalamazoo, everyone knows Chicago is in Illinois, but apparently no one working on this knows or even bothered to look up that Chicago is in Illinois! How do you fuck up something that simple?!) Oh yeah they also claim California has giant mosquitoes. (but I’m still shocked over the Chicago shit)

At least now the movie’s almost over. There’s a little bit of foreshadowing, Before Jefferson starts flirting with Jeremy (yes, not only after finding out that he is off the market does she, not only want him, but is trying to steal him away from her friend. Granted Karen and Jeremy art actually a couple, but still the fuck, I thought Karen was someone you considered a friend? And what type of friend tries to steal another friend’s boyfriend? And if you think that’s bad, that’s the worse she gets in this movie) Karen interrupts them, quickly gets ready, also having a small fight with Lisa, and then meets Jeremy outside. She meets Jeremy outside and talk a little bit, then Karen and Jeremy break up, which is a surprise Jeremy because he didn’t even know he was in a relationship (ok seriously, I’m worried about her mental well-being, it’s not normal for someone to make up the relationship with person, and then start believing they’re actually in a relationship what’s said person. Why is no one concerned about an insane serial rapist on campus?). Also it is revealed, again, that Jeremy is no longer friends with David, Dan and that third guy who disappeared at some point in this film (also why were they friends with this killjoy to begin with anyways? I mean he does nothing but whine this entire film).

Cue a short little montage with Jefferson and Christopher hanging out, and by the end of it Jefferson tries to sleep with Christopher, but Christopher doesn’t want to (ha, he friendzoned that bitch), and that’s the end of that scene.

Yeah, I can see in your eyes, you already know what’s going to happen next, Jefferson returns wearing the same mask as the previous rape (yes the movie went there). She runs into his room (apparently Chris lives in the barn, who knew?), pointing the gun at him as he lays in bed with nothing but a cowboy hat on (apparently the director had an inch to scratch), he notices her and, despite the cheap disguise, recognizes her almost immediately (that’s right, the disguise doesn’t even fool anyone in this film). He gets up, and slowly walking towards her, covering his junk with his cowboy hat (and even as a straight man, even I have to admit, that guy has a nice ass), She tells him to remove the hat, He ignores her, grabs the gun, as slowly as possible, and unload the bullets onto the floor (and I died laughing, seriously this is one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever seen). And then his gay lover walks in (and this is going to be painful), to which Jefferson shouts “OH MY GOD, YOU GOT AIDS!!!” (Our “hero”, a homophobic, self-centered, serial rapist, who thinks all gay people have aids), (I can’t wait to beat the shit out of her) and then the film cuts to Jefferson walking away unharmed (what? bullshit movie! Ok movie, I don’t care how you tried to edit it, there’s no way she could have got out of that on unharmed! To add insult to injury, they gave her back the gun! Why?!)

The limo guy calls Karen (yes, not only did he keep her number, but he fucking called her) and invites her to dinner, and then it cuts back to Dave and Lisa fucking (again), and then it cuts back to Karen getting ready for her date and Jefferson walks in explaining what happened, It’s discovered the limo guy runs a newspaper and Karen asks for the gun (you know where this is going), there’s a catfight were Jefferson gets her ass kicked (which is unintentionally enjoyable because it’s the closest thing she gets to karmatic retribution in this film), but Jefferson gives her the gun, but doesn’t mention that it’s empty (that’s not really something you just forget to mention). Jefferson says she’s out of the revolution (What fucking revolution?! I have a blog no one reads and I’m still more of a revolutionary then you! And let me remind you, the only reason she’s quitting is because she touched a gay guy and it freaked her out), and then it cuts back to David and Lisa fighting (again).

Now the next scene Jefferson meets with Jeremy (all I can say is at least my hell’s almost over), gives him her opera CDs, saying she doesn’t like opera any more (although she never said like in the first place so …), and we find out her father was an opera singer or opera performer (they never really say which one, although since it adds nothing to the film, and is never mentioned again, it really doesn’t matter), and another fucking music montage with Jefferson and Jeremy hanging out (end, just end, please for the love of god, just end!), and then they get into a fight over Jeremy being raped (yes, not only is our hero, a hypocritical, homophobic, attempted rapist, but she’s also the type of person who, after finding out her childhood friend was raped, blames the rape victim for being raped. …, Please tell me I don’t have to explain how much of an unlikable cunt she is, please, please just tell me you understand that this person is the definition of an asshole), and goes on about how “all men are evil”, but she forgives him later when she finds out he wasn’t raped (again, what a bitch).

Next scene, the limo is driving with Karen sticking her head out the window (there’s a joke there somewhere, I just can’t think of it), limo guy says he doesn’t have time for dinner and just wants to fuck in the limo (and is it just me or is this a different actor?), And he becomes grabby (seriously he doesn’t even look like the same actor), which causes Karen to reach for her gun (the same gun she brought to rape him with) (um, …, Irony? In it’s most awkward and inappropriate form?), This doesn’t deter him, he leans closer and she pulls the trigger, but of course nothing happens because the guns empty, and this turns into the second rape scene of the movie, and it’s every bit as awkward and uncomfortable as the first (the only difference is this time they’re making it awkward and uncomfortable intentionally). So he rapes her on top of the hood of limo (did we really need two rape scenes in this movie? Or even one? To put it simply this movie is fucked up) as a driver watches while eating popcorn (fucking really, for fuck sake, this is not a time for background gags). And it ends with Karen crying, walking into Lisa’s room (… 0_0).

Next scene, it cuts to Jefferson and Jeremy in the class jogging (ah, mood whiplash much?), and just listen to the dialogue, Jefferson: “hey do you need a running partner?” Jeremy: “no” Jefferson: “well I’m your running partner” (dear God, this movie is becoming a horribly dubbed 90s anime)(also weren’t you pissed off at him in the last scene for no apparent reason, well at least not for a good reason? Why are you now so happy and clingy with him?). They start discussing Karen and the gun, which ends with Jefferson saying Karen will give the gun back when she’s done (again, fuck this character! Do you even care that she’s a serial rapist on the loose with your gun? Every bad thing that happens in this movie is literally your fault, I hope you die in a fire).

Uh finally, we’re at the prom, this thing is almost over. The costumes are exactly what you expect from a prom with a few exceptions; Jefferson is wearing some stupid mask of flowers in her hair, David is dressed as a Catholic priest, and Karen is wearing a mask equally as stupid as Jefferson’s but without the flowers. They start getting in to a stupid fucking fight, again, over friendship (please kill me). Jefferson and Jeremy go outside to make out, but stop to discuss Jeremy’s displeasure at the fact that Karen still has the gun (I’m glad someone’s finally worried about the fact that there’s an armed serial rapist on campus, it’s just a shame that he waited till the end of the movie to start carrying) before the talks breakdown and Jefferson goes on a rant about “evil man” (yes, they’re doing this shit again), and it’s revealed that Jefferson only attempted to rape people because she’s a virgin (I’m going to give you a minute to let that sink in, the only reason she attempted to do this horrible thing to people is because she’s a virgin. Am I the only one around you knows that’s not a fucking excuse to be a monster?! You mean you couldn’t just masturbate like a normal person?! Maybe if you weren’t frigid to anyone around you, you might have gotten laid?! I don’t even know what to say at this point! Just, FUCK YOU, DIE IN A FIRE, YOU HORRIBLE PERSON!!!!!!). Where it’s also revealed that Jefferson doesn’t know the difference between a rape victim and rapist (I am so done with this character), while Karen gives Lisa the gun (brace yourself, shits about to get stupid) that will be used later.

It cuts back to Lisa dancing with Dan (who’s dressed like a teenage Barney from “How I Met Your Mother”, finally the movie has an outfit that’s not that bad), then Dan whispered something in her ear and they walk off together, the film cuts back to Jeremy and Jefferson making out, and then cuts to David and Lisa (the fuck is the point of that last scene?!) who are about to have sex in the bathroom (what’s with people’s fascination about bathroom sex anyway, take it from me, it’s not worth the hassle, the whole time when your doing it, you’ll just be wanting to go someplace less disgusting and more comfortable) and it starts a little hot and heavy. So it cuts away to David and Karen talking and Karen ask David if he cares about Lisa, and his response is “well obviously she doesn’t give a shit about me, so why should I care about her” (Father David’s got it vary valid point, I mean, nothing she’s done in this movie has even hinted at that she might care about anyone else besides herself. Seriously he’s the only likable person at the school), and Karen says, “because when Dan’s through with her, she’s not going to care about anyone else, not even herself” (are you seriously trying to tell me Dan’s the one responsible for all this, because all he wants is sex?! Bullshit movie, the actions of Lisa, Karen and Jefferson are their own fault, and I don’t care what you tell me about Dan, the rape spree is not his not fault! He’s an asshole, but he’s not a complete monster, unlike the “heroes” of this movie!), then it cuts back to Lisa and Dan having sex, She’s into it at first, but later she pulls out the gun and pistol whips him saying “stop” (you couldn’t just push him away? You had to hit them with the fucking gun?). Surprisingly unharmed (despite just being hit with steel) Dan backs away. Startled at first, until sheer joy appears across his face, when he discovers Lisa was the rapist, in a panic she shots him (I warned you it was going to lead to something stupid, but that’s not the stupid part), She leaves the room (through the one and only door that’s attached to the bathroom) as the rest of the students stand and stare in shock and surprise from the gunshot noise, she leaves the building for the student staring at her, before one of the students walks into the bathroom and comes out screaming because she sees Dan’s corpse (just keep this in mind). The principal, after discovering the body, and ends the dance and tells everyone to meet in the office in five minutes for attendance.

Karen screams and runs across the field to Jefferson telling her they’re in serious shit, Lisa finds them and tells them what happened, they retrieve the gun from Karen’s room, they go to the office and find out the teachers are going to be interrogating the students (did no one call the cops?!). In a panic, Jefferson runs to the restroom, and in a scene that’s almost shot for shot like the one from earlier, holds a lighter under the fire alarm (that’s not going to get rid of the fucking corpse in the fucking other bathroom), but this time she trips and sets the room on fire (way to go, dumbass).

The panic of the fire distract students for a short time, but no one can find Jefferson, So Karen goes looking for her, and within seconds the fire department shows up (were the cops busy so they so they set the fire department instead?).

It cuts to the fire, which has gotten out of control and Jefferson screaming, “my dress is caught!” (Fuck your dress, you stupid motherfucker, the room is on fire, if you don’t leave soon you’re going to die! Although now that I think about it, that wouldn’t be that bad, and is exactly what you deserve, you asshole), Karen runs in to save her, but is quickly taking out by a fallen support beam, Jefferson runs to get help, and the firemen come (I’m guessing they just left her to die, not that I’m complaining). Jeremy takes Jefferson away, then everything fades to black (and I literally had to pause the movie for 10 minutes while I laughed my ass off, it was the perfect ending to the shitty film. Karen is dead and everyone is else is sent to jail, well the movie was shitty, but at least the ending was hilarious).

Next scene (wait there’s more?), Jefferson’s voiceover explains that the fire only affected the bathroom (BULLSHIT!!!!!), she says they found gun with Karen, so they blamed her for everything (kind of forgetting the fact of the only one that Dan was seen with that night was Lisa, and that the gun is registered in your name, and that Karen was in the crowd of people who can identify her whereabouts during the shooting and prove she wasn’t there, but beyond that solid story), and that Lisa confessed to the murder (oh yeah, there’s also that), but that no one believed her (ah, bullshit!), except for Ms. Miller (who the fuck is Ms. Miller?), but no one believed Ms. Miller (why?), and that they just called it post stress anxiety (uh yeah, that’s what happens when there’s a murder and arson at your school) and gave everyone a dose of Ritalin (the fuck is that going to do?), she goes on to explain that the school was thinking of excepting her sister as a new student (ok, so what does that have to do with the cops?) and that Lisa is a Stockwell (so yeah, the day is saved by plot holes and corruption, hooray the horrific monsters escaped any consequences for their actions, joy to the world), she goes on to say that Lisa and David never made it past the freshman year (so not only did the movie have a so-called happy ending with them, they felt they shit on that too. THUS MAKING THE SUBPLOT COMPLETELY POINTLESS!), Lisa married to senator (so not only did he marry a confessed killer and rapist, but also it somehow got him elected! Who was his opponent, Evil McBaby-Eater? Did he claim he was a witch? If not then I don’t know how he would have lost, because most people don’t like rapists and murderers), that David’s been married three times and that he still talks about Lisa (oh fuck you movie, you mean to tell me he’s so horrified by it, that he’s still has nightmares and is unable to move on with his life, and we’re supposed to call this a happy ending?! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?!?!).

Jeremy comes and gives her, her CDs back, her voiceover starts up again saying that Jeremy went to college in California and now owns a vineyard (who cares?), she explains that Lincoln graduate from college and now runs a paper in New York (good for her, I guess? At least we know she didn’t kill her self), then she finishes by saying she’s happy with Jeremy in California (oh fuck you, you’re the last person in this film who deserves to be happy, you whiny, self-centered, homophobic, cunt, rapist! I HOPE YOU DIE IN A WILDFIRE!!!!!). And then the credit rolls (again, showing us people were in the movie and even some I’m for sure were not) as the film finally dies.

This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen, It shot like a late 90s afterschool special for Lifetime, the outfits are bizarre, the location and sets are questionable at best, the story is filled with filler and subplots that go nowhere, but worst of all be the main character and the moral of the story. Jefferson is the most unlikable protagonist I’ve ever seen. She’s a self-righteous, self-centered, misandrist, homophobic, whiny sexually repressed shrew, that blames other people for her actions, who believes all gay people have aids, has no regrets that her actions got her friend killed, doesn’t even care that her sister is suicidal, and not only is she alright with the fact that her friend is a serial rapist, but when she finds out one of her friends might’ve been raped, blames the rape victim for the rape while accusing him of being a slut, and to top it all of, doesn’t know the difference between a rape victim and rapist, calling it “the same thing”. The fact alone that she was supposed to be not only likable, but the hero of the story, stuns me.

But the most revolting thing about this film is the “moral” that Christina Peters tries to tell us. To best summarize the moral, it’s basically just: 1. Sexually liberated men are evil and deserve to be raped;     2. Sexually liberated women are evil and deserve to be raped; 3. Sex is evil and you can solve all your problems through sexual repression; 4. Rape victims deserved their rape, especially if the male.

There, I just summarize the film’s “moral” In fewer than hundred words, which I did in detail with 7000 words (sorry about that, my next review won’t be nearly as long, it’s just that this was a horrible movie).

The aftermath, ironically enough Ms. Peters would go on to only direct porn (it’s ironic and hypocritical considering this film’s moral, but it’s understandable when you watch the film and realize this is directed exactly like porn), and everyone else either became TV actors or just quit showbiz all together.

(Please tell me if you liked the view. So how was it?)

Such a long post…

(Source: eegah-taki-blog)